Much has transpired over the past two weeks that will likely eternally damage my ability to trust. Losing a sibling will do that to you, losing a parent will too, and surviving suicide does that too.

As one begins to process suicide loss, the residual effects — all the drama that can occur — of surviving suicide continue to cause copious amounts of trauma.

Stigma: shame, disgrace, discredit, social unease, awkwardness, ignorance, isolation, blame.

Blame, such a nasty word. Such a damning attitude. Death is in the tongue, isn’t it?

Suicide destroyed the dead members of my family, blame destroys the living. Stigma surrounding suicide makes people awkward and afraid to broach the subject; their timidity influences survivors to believe the worst — “Maybe they aren’t reaching out because they blame us.” Maybe people don’t reach out because they think my family blames them.

How odd, how sad to blame the living for the choices of the dead.

When one survives suicide, the survivor “often feel[s] stuck in the trenches fighting a battle alone in a war they were thrown into against their will” (Kelley, 2022). The death is shamed, the survivors are shamed and can be judged for their behavior in the initial weeks of death.

She hasn’t been crying. He cried too much, he’s doing this for attention. We all know about that fight she had with the deceased, that must have contributed. Clearly their family has issues, they must be terrible. Did you see the way he looked at me? He was so rude. She didn’t answer my text message, she must not want to talk to me. Obviously her family didn’t love her. Obviously they did this to him.

Some blame in whispers, some blame in letters.

Honestly, it’s a lot harder to feel supported when people go out of their way to spread misinformation and conjectures throughout one’s community. That’s is happening to my family, that’s what is happened to me. Even with Brevard’s beautiful “Out of the Darkness” walk, the question taunted: “Are they here to support us or are they here to watch us and whisper?” I hate that I have to think that to protect myself and my family. I hate that, and I know many who love my family would hate that too.

I know people support us, but some of the people I thought would be our best supporters became our cruelest tormentors, while others became noticeably absent.

At a time when my family needs the most support, it feels impossible to know whom to trust. Too many have used information to hurt us or condemn us, too many have picked the scab around our lacerated hearts, and the blood trickles, trickles, trickles out.

Surviving suicide is a lot to process. Surviving various cruelties and disappointments after a suicide hinders that processing and brings more trauma to the survivor.

I just want to mourn my mom. How is that too much to ask?

Kelley, L. (2022). Expert untangles complexities of grief for suicide loss survivors. CU Anschutz News. https://news.cuanschutz.edu/news-stories/expert-untangles-complexities-of-grief-for-suicide-loss-survivors