For about five years after Patrick died, I refused to get on social media for the month of May. Initially, my feed was flooded with pictures of Walter (who died around the same time) and then Patrick, too. Even Facebook memories would bring up photo after photo of them both.

May tends to be a time when the recluse within me dominates — I don’t like to be social in May, mainly out of exhaustion. The month, now with two additional Death Holidays (Mother’s Day and Mom’s birthday), May drains every bit of energy from me. I’m already tired all the time… grieving is exhausting… but in May, I can hardly get up. I can hardly pick up the phone. Basic tasks require all the energy I can muster, and there’s not much left of me after that.

Like I said, it took about five years before that feeling faded after Patrick died — really, six years since Walter died. Perhaps it will take another six years before I feel I have any energy in May.

I hate it. I hate the exhaustion. I hate the inability to pick up the phone, but I just don’t have the energy for it.

So, you may not hear much from me this month. I’m around, just sleeping.