July 2, 2025

When my eyes open in the morning, a fresh onset of “this is life now” sets in and burrows sorrow deeper and deeper into my soul. Heaviness surrounds me in the black room and my tired eyes do not search for light, they simply stare at the ceiling, wishing my Mom was still here. Deep breath. The pain accompanies me every moment, but the dark quiet incubates it. Here, it’s raw and vulnerable and sad.

I’ve never been very good about jumping out of the bed and getting ready for the day, but now getting out of bed requires much more effort than simply awakening from a sleepy stupor.

We went to the zoo today, which I suppose is good, but I have very little interest in doing much right now. Exhaustion has set in – at first I was not sleeping, now I am sleeping at night and napping during the day. No matter what time or where I sleep, persistent dreams come alive. I am so out of sorts.

Daily Tip for Communicating with a Person in Mourning

I love your daily messages. Some via text, some via instant messenger, some commenting on these posts. I have not responded much to them, but I do appreciate them. Facebook comments are the easiest [quickest, really] to read right now, but I like the instant messages / texts too. I am just a little slower at opening those. Your messages help. I like reading about your experience and it feels validating and comforting to see your support, prayers, and encouragement.

July 2, 2026

So little has changed since this post: I’m still exhausted beyond belief, and most days I have little motivation to rise.

Coffee has helped — in January 2025, I actually stopped drinking coffee most mornings. I started back up again about two weeks ago and it has been a game changer… it’s nice to have something to look forward to in the mornings. Aaaand… I have to say it, but I almost have an entirely different personality when I have caffeine. Suddenly I’m happy and full of life, haha. I can’t believe I went so long without it. It’s felt like a game-changer lately.

Caffeine does little from mental fatigue, though. It’s unbelievable how much energy grief and all its accompanying drama require.

I do find myself enjoying life a bit more than I did, though. There are deep moments of peace and gratitude that wash these wounded scars.

I have such a beautiful life. A tragic life, but a deeply beautiful life.