Now without faith it is impossible to please God, since the one who draws near to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.

Hebrews 11:6, CSB

I lost faith when I went through a few years of loss and turmoil.  My mind and thoughts were tormented by the harsh reality that my friend was gone, and my brother Patrick gave up his life to shame and depression.  Unable to make sense of life anymore, my faith faltered.  I was broken and in a state that felt impossible to recover from.  My reality was horror.  How can one have faith when his or her circumstances seem to contradict that which one believes? 

We each respond differently to grief and suffering; while I struggled to believe, my mother remained steadfast.  Her trust in God did not waiver despite the reality that her baby was gone, and I could not understand it.  Thus, with water-brimmed eyes in 2019, I asked her how she could remain confident, and she provided aged wisdom:

Her words made sense – It’s challenging to maintain faith when one’s life has been painted with suffering since its beginning.   My life has been beautiful and even amidst intense suffering has been filled with mercy and blessing, but, like many, I began viewing life through lenses of sorrow as a young girl.

We are so very attached to outcomes.  We have faith that God is good, that He is the God that delivers redemption and provides healing.  Broken endings aren’t good, and they don’t look like redemption. 

It’s been four years since my brother took his life from me and I assure you, death is not good.  Mourning never ceases.  My faith was unfathomably wounded back then.  My heart turned to dust, my mind to ashes, but dust is what God used to breathe life into man. 

We died that day, each of us who loved Patrick.  Our hopes for earthly restoration disintegrated with his demise.   We were broken beyond repair, we needed entirely new perspectives and new hopes.  We had to relearn how to think, how to communicate, how to be still.

In the years following his death, I began to seek and experience the redemption my mom told me I had not yet experienced.  I felt restoration in my own life and in my own mind.  It has been beautiful because it feels like entering Spring after a harsh Winter.  It was warm and safe and filled with healing and new life. 

I have the faith I lacked those four years ago, and now I know that I can be the one to encourage fellow sufferers to hold on: you may not have had the chance to experience redemption and restoration, but you will.  You will. 

God is with us.  He is our reward. He is our comfort, our strength, and our healing.  Even when our faith falters, He brings life from loss and healing from grief. 

God is good, even when life is not, and He is good when our nightmares become reality. 

Have faith, my friends.  Your story is not over, and your life does not have to be without redemption.  Your heart can be healed.  You can have abundant life after tragedy.  Hold on, have faith, redemption is coming.