relationships

Okay?

April 21, 2019

“You never give up on me”, the amazement flowed from the tears in Patrick’s eyes.

But, I thought, the truth is that I gave up on you years ago.

Yet I’m still here.

Maybe I tricked myself into believing that I gave up on you. Maybe it’s because I was well acquainted with the pain you cause[d], but I’m thankful that you realized I hadn’t given up on you even when I thought I had.

No, I never gave up on you. I believed in every single breath you gave.

— — —

I spent the last two months two months pretending that the most horrific events of my past did not happen. I went on eight different trips and visited 13 different cities; it’s funny how you can trick your mind into believing false narratives simply because you long for something greater. I want to believe that earnestness exists, that redemption persists, and that goodness triumphs.

But I don’t.

Or, at least, I didn’t.

Eight trips filled with laughter and memories, yet the plane rides or car drives confronted me with the realities I so desperately wished to ignore. On the plane and in the car–that’s where I fell apart.

You can only smile for so long before tears force their way out, leaving you exposed to an onlooking world. And on airplanes?? Lord bless those sitting next to me… they didn’t ask for this mess. Though, neither did I.

Thoughts on my final plane ride brutally scorned me: “If I love God, how could I _____?” “If you love someone, why do you purposefully act malignant?” “If I had done _____ would he still be here?”

One’s mind and heart quickly betray him in times of immense tragedy, rendering him confused and pained. Mine convinced me to ignore reality again and again and again, until reality assaulted my mind into submission. You cannot outrun the truth, no matter how bleak it is.

— — —

It’s was Tuesday night, three months and one day since we found out about my Patrick’s demise.

I’m in church and it’s dark. Unable to hold anything back, I release emotions I do not deserve to have–no one should endure circumstances like this.

My roommate Lauren reaches over:

“I’m proud of you, Hope. You’re finally grieving.”

Aaaaand I’ve cried everyday since. Moments so full of anguish that I stop breathing and have to literally remind myself how to function. WELCOME TO GRIEF, HOPE. It’s about time…

— — —

April 24, 2019

“I feel like we are a team specifically you and me to beat this. It means alot,” Patrick texts me.

“That’s right we are. You are going to beat this. Absolutely.”

“Every time I see you, you say we got this and i actually believe it for once”

I believed it too, Patrick. I believed it too. I still cannot believe that you are gone.

— — —

When you lose someone you love, it is as though all light has departed. Reality dims. Hope fades. Confusion suffocates.

Recklessness ensues when you stop believing in redemption: Satan tempts you to believe that actions are meaningless. You grew weary in doing good works. Look where they got you? I questioned as the tears soaked my sweatshirt.

The truth is, there are some things we will never let go of; we must live through the emptiness and press on because of Christ’s mercy. Sometimes the most disheartening circumstances are the manifolds of God’s mercy. While it’s laborious to perceive, there is much glory in earth’s eternal despondency.

I tried to stop hoping. I attempted to “give up” on those that I love dearly as a coping mechanism, but I cannot.

Even after the tragedies I’ve witnessed first-hand–no matter how “safe” disassociation and pessimism may make me feel–I cannot stop believing in redemption.

I don’t recognize much “light” these days. Engulfed in darkness, wrestling through disappointment and heartache: nonetheless, I still believe in redemption.

I see hurting people all around me, the heartbroken who respond by attempting to break themselves and to break those around them, but somehow I still believe in redemption. Side note: Please, seek help and guidance when you need it, friends. No one is past redemption’s threshold–if he would only focus on what he knows to be true. Not all is lost.

In The Fellowship of the Rings, Tolkien exemplifies the relationship between hope and heartache: “The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.”

I cannot see the goodness in this situation, and I feel far more broken than I can express, but I trust and I hope in what I know is True.

‘Love at First Sight’

Typically, when someone asks me the question “Do you believe in love at first sight?” I gawk and chuckle as the words “definitely not” slip from my mouth.  However, in light of the assignment, I mulled over the question long enough to contradict myself: I must believe in ‘love at first sight’ because I daily claim to love people I have never met.  Loving God characteristically builds love for others regardless of acquaintance.  Love abounds the moment one’s eyes meet his or her child, and compassion may fill one’s heart at the sight of tragic scene.  I cannot deny the love that prompts compassion for those around me, but I will deny the cliché of meeting someone and immediately “falling in love.”

One cannot love without a proper amount of knowledge and understanding—one does not somehow accidentally stumble into love—love requires action, discipline, and cultivation.  Attractions spark interests that may lead to love, but love cannot survive on attraction alone.  Love grows through experiences, through memories, and through forgiveness.  Love manifests itself in devotion when the ‘feelings’ of love disappear, and love conquers the fears leading up to the absence of feelings.  The definition of love quoted from I Corinthians 13 demands situations which test love and I do not believe one could experience the depth of that kind of love the moment he or she looks upon another human being for the first time.

God radically manifested His love through Christ knowing exactly how the world would react—He did not do so blindly.  Love examines the heart of another and chooses to dwell regardless of what he or she knows is present; love is an action that transcends a moment of introductory intrigue.

Favored Communication

I have a hierarchy of preferred forms of communication.  Supremely, if at all possible, I favor meeting an interlocutor face-to-face, but with friends and family members scattered across the planet, if I solely communicated when in one’s presence, I fear I would rarely converse with him.  Therefore the hierarchy begins: first with FaceTime (which is almost like being together), then a phone call (a steadfast option), then letter writing (something I am enamored with), and finally, as either a last resort or an exceedingly convenient option, a text message.

When one communicates to his interlocutor face-to-face, he listens to another’s tone of voice, observes body language, and deciphers sensory signals he would be unable to identify in a simple text message.  A phone call, however, removes the element of one’s body language from the listener’s perception, but the listener may acutely listen for his interlocutor’s tone of voice to further interpret his demeanor; however, some interlocutors master the art of concealing emotion from their voice in order that his listener inaccurately perceives his sentiments.  Written communication leaves interlocutors with little sensory interpretation, thus I place letter writing above texting; in a letter, one has a larger platform to expound the subject matter and may earnestly articulate his words.  One’s text often must be brief and concise and this often hinders one’s ability to thoroughly and/or properly explain his message.

While I prefer Face-Time over all forms of distant communication, I appreciate the convenience of a traditional phone call.  Because calls may be made without a Wi-Fi connection, they effectively allow sensory communication between interlocutors.  Oral communication allows one to clarify in a way that written cannot: people interpret written communication unreliably, while one can explicate his message copiously in oral communication.