thoughts

Okay?

April 21, 2019

“You never give up on me”, the amazement flowed from the tears in Patrick’s eyes.

But, I thought, the truth is that I gave up on you years ago.

Yet I’m still here.

Maybe I tricked myself into believing that I gave up on you. Maybe it’s because I was well acquainted with the pain you cause[d], but I’m thankful that you realized I hadn’t given up on you even when I thought I had.

No, I never gave up on you. I believed in every single breath you gave.

— — —

I spent the last two months two months pretending that the most horrific events of my past did not happen. I went on eight different trips and visited 13 different cities; it’s funny how you can trick your mind into believing false narratives simply because you long for something greater. I want to believe that earnestness exists, that redemption persists, and that goodness triumphs.

But I don’t.

Or, at least, I didn’t.

Eight trips filled with laughter and memories, yet the plane rides or car drives confronted me with the realities I so desperately wished to ignore. On the plane and in the car–that’s where I fell apart.

You can only smile for so long before tears force their way out, leaving you exposed to an onlooking world. And on airplanes?? Lord bless those sitting next to me… they didn’t ask for this mess. Though, neither did I.

Thoughts on my final plane ride brutally scorned me: “If I love God, how could I _____?” “If you love someone, why do you purposefully act malignant?” “If I had done _____ would he still be here?”

One’s mind and heart quickly betray him in times of immense tragedy, rendering him confused and pained. Mine convinced me to ignore reality again and again and again, until reality assaulted my mind into submission. You cannot outrun the truth, no matter how bleak it is.

— — —

It’s was Tuesday night, three months and one day since we found out about my Patrick’s demise.

I’m in church and it’s dark. Unable to hold anything back, I release emotions I do not deserve to have–no one should endure circumstances like this.

My roommate Lauren reaches over:

“I’m proud of you, Hope. You’re finally grieving.”

Aaaaand I’ve cried everyday since. Moments so full of anguish that I stop breathing and have to literally remind myself how to function. WELCOME TO GRIEF, HOPE. It’s about time…

— — —

April 24, 2019

“I feel like we are a team specifically you and me to beat this. It means alot,” Patrick texts me.

“That’s right we are. You are going to beat this. Absolutely.”

“Every time I see you, you say we got this and i actually believe it for once”

I believed it too, Patrick. I believed it too. I still cannot believe that you are gone.

— — —

When you lose someone you love, it is as though all light has departed. Reality dims. Hope fades. Confusion suffocates.

Recklessness ensues when you stop believing in redemption: Satan tempts you to believe that actions are meaningless. You grew weary in doing good works. Look where they got you? I questioned as the tears soaked my sweatshirt.

The truth is, there are some things we will never let go of; we must live through the emptiness and press on because of Christ’s mercy. Sometimes the most disheartening circumstances are the manifolds of God’s mercy. While it’s laborious to perceive, there is much glory in earth’s eternal despondency.

I tried to stop hoping. I attempted to “give up” on those that I love dearly as a coping mechanism, but I cannot.

Even after the tragedies I’ve witnessed first-hand–no matter how “safe” disassociation and pessimism may make me feel–I cannot stop believing in redemption.

I don’t recognize much “light” these days. Engulfed in darkness, wrestling through disappointment and heartache: nonetheless, I still believe in redemption.

I see hurting people all around me, the heartbroken who respond by attempting to break themselves and to break those around them, but somehow I still believe in redemption. Side note: Please, seek help and guidance when you need it, friends. No one is past redemption’s threshold–if he would only focus on what he knows to be true. Not all is lost.

In The Fellowship of the Rings, Tolkien exemplifies the relationship between hope and heartache: “The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.”

I cannot see the goodness in this situation, and I feel far more broken than I can express, but I trust and I hope in what I know is True.

‘Love at First Sight’

Typically, when someone asks me the question “Do you believe in love at first sight?” I gawk and chuckle as the words “definitely not” slip from my mouth.  However, in light of the assignment, I mulled over the question long enough to contradict myself: I must believe in ‘love at first sight’ because I daily claim to love people I have never met.  Loving God characteristically builds love for others regardless of acquaintance.  Love abounds the moment one’s eyes meet his or her child, and compassion may fill one’s heart at the sight of tragic scene.  I cannot deny the love that prompts compassion for those around me, but I will deny the cliché of meeting someone and immediately “falling in love.”

One cannot love without a proper amount of knowledge and understanding—one does not somehow accidentally stumble into love—love requires action, discipline, and cultivation.  Attractions spark interests that may lead to love, but love cannot survive on attraction alone.  Love grows through experiences, through memories, and through forgiveness.  Love manifests itself in devotion when the ‘feelings’ of love disappear, and love conquers the fears leading up to the absence of feelings.  The definition of love quoted from I Corinthians 13 demands situations which test love and I do not believe one could experience the depth of that kind of love the moment he or she looks upon another human being for the first time.

God radically manifested His love through Christ knowing exactly how the world would react—He did not do so blindly.  Love examines the heart of another and chooses to dwell regardless of what he or she knows is present; love is an action that transcends a moment of introductory intrigue.

An Endeavor for Kindness

Kindness can be unbelievably hard to come across.  Being kind to a stranger takes minimal effort—effort which is often ignored—but, it can become a more trying conquest to be kind to the ones whom we know well and love most.

It’s almost too easy to become tart with someone who talks behind our back, a close friend who we have recently been in conflict with, or simply someone who habitually annoys us.  It’s so easy to give up on these types of relational interactions, not understanding someone else’s motive, but we are so quick to forget our own shortcoming when judging our own companion.

We do this to God repeatedly, yet He is so kind to us.   He allows us to deal with consequences of sin—separation from Him—but He does not leave us there.  Even when we willingly choose to sin—to hurt God, again, during moments when we know better—He does not abandon us.  Yes, He is a just God who becomes angry in us and in our sin, but He does not abandon us.  Hosea 2:14 says “Therefore, behold, I will allure her [Israel], and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her.”  This was written during a time of Israeli peace and prosperity.  Unfortunately, this prosperity led to moral decay: the unfaithfulness of God’s people.

While Israel was amidst sin—paralleled to our own sin—God said He would allure them.  He makes Himself known, and draws us back.  He allows us to trek through the wilderness to remind us of His constant love.  Hosea reveals a back and forth conversation: God permits Israel to choose sin and to experience its consequences, yet God reveals so much of His love, faithfulness, and grace through their unfaithfulness.

Even in our reproof, He is tender.  He is tender time after time, forgiving us of our own sin, and shaping us to become more like Him.

It’s a profound grace, a surreal kindness.  It’s beautiful; it inspires awe.  This is our God and King, the only Lord.  And He loves us, He serves us, He sent His Son to die for us.  Us: a people who sin against Him frequently for the sake of our own desires.  Us: a people who ignores His instruction and hinders His love from entering our lives.  Us: who can barely manage to be kind to those who love us the most when they need us to show them the greatest love.  Us: who choose selfishness over serving the Lord who has given us all that we have and will have.  Us: His ungrateful children.  Us: His children.  Us: His beloved.  Us: the ones whom God loves.  And yet we pursue sin against Him and curse His name.

We ought to love and forgive and show a profound grace like He does, even to the people who “least” deserve it in the moment.  To the sibling who’s “crossed the line, for the last time;” through those long and drawn out arguments with a spouse; to that one friend who takes and takes, but never invests in a relationship.  Those situations are opportunities to shower grace and to give love, not just nuisances.  Kindness is lacking, and tenderness is needed.

Yet, for some reason, we make it so hard to give.

 

 

For Further Reading:

Hosea 2

I John 3:1

Romans 2:4

Ephesians 3:32

Proverb 3:3

Matthew 9:13

Micah 7:18

Isaiah 30:18

Romans 6