October 3, 2025

I loved my Mom.

When you lose someone, loss tends to multiply all around you. There’s the one massive loss followed by a series of losses that convolute your grief and make it all so difficult to process.

There’s the drama, the unexpected twists, and the complications you would not fathom. There’s blame, stigma, and criticism waiting to greet you at every turn.

And, oh yeah, there’s the fact that someone you loved died.

The initial months of grief bring triggers you don’t know you have. One day, I’ll get used to them and have a better idea of what will cascade in outbursts of tears or uneasy anxiety, but for now, it could be anything.

So much feels stolen when someone dies. Suddenly Mom dies and my whole relationship with her is available to the watching world. People are drawn to chaos and redemption: some turn away because it’s too painful to watch, while others lean in and hope to see a brighter day.

Today, I remember our smiles. I remember my Mom’s beautiful enthusiasm and I remember us rejoicing together, enjoying one another’s companionship. I remember her warmth and endless laughter, I remember her closeness, and I miss her.

October 6, 2026

I wonder, if we were to read the pages of our own lives, would we see clearly the good that comes from anguish?

An excerpt I l wrote in the back of a book. February 24, 2025.

* * * *

There are so many little things I miss about my mom. I’m being able to call her and talk about nothing. I miss the way she laughed. I miss her blind optimism, but perhaps that was just something she faked. I miss her smile. I miss the way. She celebrated little things. I miss being able to talk to her about my life. I miss having someone who actually cares about all the stupid tiny details of my life the way she did. I miss how effortless it was to enjoy life when she was alive.

I loved my mom, and each day I grow more convinced that Love is the only eternal thing. Love does not fade. I’ve been grieving my family for so long, I’ve learned that Love never ends, even when those you love are buried beneath the earth.