I screamed a lot in my car today. Just… screamed. “Mom!! Why did you do this?” Through sobs, “Mom, please come back, please come back!”… “Mom!!” I cried out in anguish.
But it’s useless, she’s gone.
My mind really does not want to believe it. I meet her in dreams, only to wake and feel her light snuffed out of the world. She was sitting on our living room couch in last night’s dream, and I was asking her why she wouldn’t join us at the table. I don’t remember what she answered, I just remember telling her that it did not make sense and that she should join the rest of us at the table because we love her and want to be with her.
Denial’s amazing protectiveness still shields me, for the most part, but everything feels so heavy. I feel the horror and the sadness deeply about once a day: I’ll cry, I’ll protest. I really wish this was not a part of my life. I wish this was not the end of hers. I wish it so badly that denial and numbness creep back in and calmness returns.
I feel like an outside observer to my own feelings and my own thought process. I feel them, objectively define them, and then move on.
Each day, the sadness grows and strengthens. I feel the denial slowly slipping away, and I fear when my mind allows me to fully grasp the situation. How much is this really going to hurt when my mind finally lets me feel it? It already hurts so much, but the pain will become vivid soon, and it will never, ever end.
I have so much life left to live. It feels like my life has only begun, and I will feel this sorrow for all of my days.
I’m not angry with God, though I would like to be. Anger is such an easy emotion to experience — anger is easy to fuel and easy to calm — it’s not as ambiguous as sorrow. It feels like it would be easy to be angry at God, but my every need has been met. People have been so generous and caring and kind — I can’t be angry when I perceive such marvels from God amidst all this pain.
I am confused: I will never understand why God allowed this nor why God did not intervene, but perhaps God had intervened several times. I will never know how many times my mother was close ending her life but chose not to because someone intervened. I just wish she would have told us, as I am sure we all do.
She had so many people who loved her deeply, and she could have reached out to any of us. That is a collective hurt those closest to her bear and must work through for the rest of our lives, and many of us have so much life yet to be lived.
Daily Tip for Communicating with Someone in Mourning
Presence is best 🤍. Be here, share here, create space here.
Love each other well.
Exposed 
I love reading your posts daily. I pray for you and your family all day long as my heart aches for you but hearing your words brings a sense of peace that you are allowing your emotions to pour out which I think is the healthiest thing. I have been in denial too and cannot imagine the ache of loosing your mommy. So many hugs!! Know the prayers haven’t stopped. Xoxo
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thank you so much 💙
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Last weekend I attended a funeral of a childhood friend who took his own life. At the end of the service we were in a group talking and someone said , “he must have felt so alone and felt like he had nobody to talk to”. I have struggled with thoughts of suicide and I immediately popped up and regretted it and said when you are in that state of mind – not your right state of mind you don’t feel alone you usually just feel numb and done. I have never talked about my issues with it but instantly regretted saying that because the awkward stares after. My point to this and I doubtful this is helpful but just a point of view and my experience. (Because I really can not speak for everyone). When I am in that state of mind when I have talked to someone it does not help. It typically makes me feel more out of touch because the problem in itself isn’t or shouldn’t be life ending and sometimes there isn’t a problem at all – I simply just feel done, what’s the point. The drive to go on is not there. I don’t feel sad every time I just feel empty. Somehow I’ve always brought myself back to I still have to raise my kids and I don’t trust anybody else to do it. At maybe one point that kept her alive if she has struggled with it for a life time. I’m unsure. My point to this is I feel like when people get in this mode it’s more of a zombie state. There is no clear logical thinking going on. I’ve heard people call it selfish and many other things. I do however believe whole heartedly that when it happens they are not in a clear state of mind and if they were they would be able to think about how it would effect the people dearest to them. I’m so sorry for your loss. I can not even fathom what you are going through. Thank you for sharing such intimate thoughts and emotions
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Thank you for sharing! I am so sorry that this is something you have/continue to struggle with. I earnestly hope and pray that you reach out to a professional about those thoughts. I am grateful you have come out of it. I agree with you — I keep saying “In her right mind, she never would have done this,” and I wholly believe that. It is just so sad that she was not in her right mind. I hope you always come out of it.
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